The Public Speaker, Win Without Giving In

This is The Public Speaker: Quick and Dirty Tips For Improving Your Communication Skills , with your host, Lisa B. Marshall.

Today's show is sponsored by Audible. You can download an audiobook of your choice for FREE by going to audiblepodcast.com/speaker.

The Barbie Battle It was just after the fourth birthday of my identical twin daughters. They were fighting over one of their new Barbies. In a tug of war – one pulling on Barbie's hair and the other aggressively pulling her feet. At the time, we were about seven months into what I call our “work it out” program. It's based on the advice of an expert that I heard on National Public Radio. She had suggested that parents try to stay out of kids' conflicts and instead, encourage your kids to work it out on their own. My initial reaction was, come on, you've got to be kidding me, that's impossible. But the Barbie battle proved me wrong. Here's what happened. As my girls were screaming, in stereo of course, “I want the Barbie!” I told them, as I had been for several months, “Girls, you need to separate and work it out.” Once they separated, it took them a minute or two to calm down, with occasional outbursts of, “But, Mommy, I want the Barbie.” Discussing Interests, Not Positions Then my daughter, Ariana, said to her sister, “Well, why do you want THAT Barbie?” And Daniela responded by saying, “Well, why do YOU want that Barbie?” Then Ariana said, “Well, I like that Barbie because of her hair.” Then Daniela said, “Well, I like that Barbie because of her dress.” There was a long pause and it seemed like they were at an impasse until Ariana said, “How about I give you the dress and I keep the Barbie? Is that a good idea, Mommy?” Collaboration – What A Great Idea! I almost couldn't believe it. I smiled very proudly, “Yes, honey, that's a great idea!” Ariana (the one I now call my little negotiator), was able to successfully resolve the conflict. Of course without knowing it, Ariana had followed a well-known strategy suggested by Fisher & Ury in a very popular book on negotiation called Getting to Yes. By asking why her sister wanted the Barbie, she was able to focus in on her sister's “interest” and not her “position.” The book explains, "Your position is something you have decided upon. Your interests are what caused you to so decide." The idea is that if you understand another person's reasons for wanting something it is then possible to work toward a creative solution that meets the needs of both sides—a collaboration, not a compromise. Compromise May Not Be The Best Solution When negotiating most people aim for a compromise. Give a little to get a little. For example, my girls could have decided to simply take turns with the Barbie. But clearly, a turn-taking compromise wouldn't have been as good a solution as the collaboration. So, the main tip from today's episode is to always ask and consider underlying interests, yours and those of your negotiation partner. This may help you discover a better solution, like Ariana did.

But what else can we learn from the Barbie negotiation? Emotion plays a role in all negotiations. I know when I argue a position I tend to get emotionally attached. I want it, because I want it. And when I'm all worked up, I'm not open to collaboration or compromise. Just like my girls when they were each tugging at poor Barbie.

Emotions Are A Part Of Negotiation However, if you're willing to recognize that both your emotion and the emotion from the other side is normal and legitimate, it can help you to facilitate the negotiation. (In fact, if it's a really bitter dispute, the feelings and emotions may be more important than the content). Let the other side blow off steam. Try not to react to the emotional outbursts. If it's really heated, you may want a third party to help facilitate the process. I always imagine it's like two boxers going back to their corners; taking a little break to relax and think through strategy. When you come back, you are in the right frame of mind for listening. Without carefully listening to both the interests and emotions of the other party, it's impossible to develop a creative solution. What I Learned From My Girls So as crazy as it sounds, I think we can actually learn quite a bit from the Barbie battle. First, effective negotiation can be learned. If pre-schoolers can do it, so can you. By discussing underlying interests and not getting hung up on positions we can develop creative solutions to conflict. Finally, it's important to remember that emotions will be part of every negotiation. We just need to incorporate that into our strategy as well.

With these tips, I hope you're better able to navigate your next negotiation. This is Lisa B. Marshall, passionate about communication, your success is my business.

Before I sign off, I just wanted to say thanks for the flood of networking invitations I received this week. It's been great to “meet” so many of you. If you haven't connected yet, you can find me in all the usual places, like LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and of course, plain old email. Really, take me up on my offer, I'd love to connect. Finally, I wanted to say thank you to those that have left me iTunes reviews. I sincerely appreciate them and great reviews help to keep the show free. So, if you've been enjoying The Public Speaker, or any of the quick and dirty shows, you can show your support by writing a five star iTunes review. Thanks, it really does help.

I've become a big fan of Audible—and not just because they sponsor this show! There just aren't enough hours in the day to read everything I'd like to. But now, with my new iPod, I listen to books when I'm shopping, preparing food, and of course, when I'm traveling. Right now, I'm finishing up The 4-Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss. Audible has more than 40,000 books to choose from—including lots of great communication and public speaking titles. To learn more, and to get your free audiobook, visit audiblepodcast.com/speaker.

Administrative If you have questions about how to communicate better at work, leave a voice mail at 206-350-7970 or email publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.com. Sign up for Lisa's newsletter or get information about speeches and workshops by visiting lisabmarshall.com. You can find a transcript of this show and links to connect with Lisa at publicspeaker.quickanddirtytips.com.

This is The Public Speaker: Quick and Dirty Tips For Improving Your Communication Skills, with your host, Lisa B. Marshall.

Today's show is sponsored by Audible. You can download an audiobook of your choice for FREE by going to audiblepodcast.com/speaker.

The Barbie Battle

It was just after the fourth birthday of my identical twin daughters. They were fighting over one of their new Barbies. In a tug of war – one pulling on Barbie's hair and the other aggressively pulling her feet.

At the time, we were about seven months into what I call our “work it out” program. It's based on the advice of an expert that I heard on National Public Radio. She had suggested that parents try to stay out of kids' conflicts and instead, encourage your kids to work it out on their own. My initial reaction was, come on, you've got to be kidding me, that's impossible.

But the Barbie battle proved me wrong. Here's what happened.

As my girls were screaming, in stereo of course, “I want the Barbie!” I told them, as I had been for several months, “Girls, you need to separate and work it out.” Once they separated, it took them a minute or two to calm down, with occasional outbursts of, “But, Mommy, I want the Barbie.”

Discussing Interests, Not Positions

Then my daughter, Ariana, said to her sister, “Well, why do you want THAT Barbie?” And Daniela responded by saying, “Well, why do YOU want that Barbie?” Then Ariana said, “Well, I like that Barbie because of her hair.” Then Daniela said, “Well, I like that Barbie because of her dress.”

There was a long pause and it seemed like they were at an impasse until Ariana said, “How about I give you the dress and I keep the Barbie? Is that a good idea, Mommy?”

Collaboration – What A Great Idea!

I almost couldn't believe it. I smiled very proudly, “Yes, honey, that's a great idea!” Ariana (the one I now call my little negotiator), was able to successfully resolve the conflict. Of course without knowing it, Ariana had followed a well-known strategy suggested by Fisher & Ury in a very popular book on negotiation called Getting to Yes.

By asking why her sister wanted the Barbie, she was able to focus in on her sister's “interest” and not her “position.” The book explains, "Your position is something you have decided upon. Your interests are what caused you to so decide." The idea is that if you understand another person's reasons for wanting something it is then possible to work toward a creative solution that meets the needs of both sides—a collaboration, not a compromise.

Compromise May Not Be The Best Solution

When negotiating most people aim for a compromise. Give a little to get a little. For example, my girls could have decided to simply take turns with the Barbie. But clearly, a turn-taking compromise wouldn't have been as good a solution as the collaboration. So, the main tip from today's episode is to always ask and consider underlying interests, yours and those of your negotiation partner. This may help you discover a better solution, like Ariana did.

Emotions Are A Part Of Negotiation

However, if you're willing to recognize that both your emotion and the emotion from the other side is normal and legitimate, it can help you to facilitate the negotiation. (In fact, if it's a really bitter dispute, the feelings and emotions may be more important than the content).

Let the other side blow off steam. Try not to react to the emotional outbursts. If it's really heated, you may want a third party to help facilitate the process. I always imagine it's like two boxers going back to their corners; taking a little break to relax and think through strategy.

When you come back, you are in the right frame of mind for listening. Without carefully listening to both the interests and emotions of the other party, it's impossible to develop a creative solution.

What I Learned From My Girls

So as crazy as it sounds, I think we can actually learn quite a bit from the Barbie battle. First, effective negotiation can be learned. If pre-schoolers can do it, so can you. By discussing underlying interests and not getting hung up on positions we can develop creative solutions to conflict. Finally, it's important to remember that emotions will be part of every negotiation. We just need to incorporate that into our strategy as well.

With these tips, I hope you're better able to navigate your next negotiation.

This is Lisa B. Marshall, passionate about communication, your success is my business.

Finally, I wanted to say thank you to those that have left me iTunes reviews. I sincerely appreciate them and great reviews help to keep the show free. So, if you've been enjoying The Public Speaker, or any of the quick and dirty shows, you can show your support by writing a five star iTunes review. Thanks, it really does help.

I've become a big fan of Audible—and not just because they sponsor this show! There just aren't enough hours in the day to read everything I'd like to. But now, with my new iPod, I listen to books when I'm shopping, preparing food, and of course, when I'm traveling. Right now, I'm finishing up The 4-Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss. Audible has more than 40,000 books to choose from—including lots of great communication and public speaking titles. To learn more, and to get your free audiobook, visit audiblepodcast.com/speaker.

Administrative

If you have questions about how to communicate better at work, leave a voice mail at 206-350-7970 or email publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.com. Sign up for Lisa's newsletter or get information about speeches and workshops by visiting lisabmarshall.com. You can find a transcript of this show and links to connect with Lisa at publicspeaker.quickanddirtytips.com.