Mark: Hi, everyone, Mark here with Jill discussing some content today.
Today, we will be talking about the content item Dr. Laura Speaks with a Woman Having Mother-in-Law Problems. This is another item in our ongoing Dr. Laura Series, which is very popular with our members at The Linguist and I think you'll all enjoy this content item. Mark: How are you today, Jill?
Jill: Fine, thanks. How are you?
Mark: Good.
Jill: Good.
Mark: So, is there anything we want to say about this before we play it for everybody I mean, I think it's something a lot of us can relate to, having a mother-in-law, for sure and, of course, many can also relate to having mother-in-law problems. Not myself, of course, and I'm sure not you, but. Jill: No, no, not me either. You hear of it though, that it seems to be a common problem; mother-in-law, you know, sister-in-law, whatever, but it seems most often that it's mother-in-law. And I don't know if it's that there are some mothers that are just very overbearing and so then the new person in the family doesn't appreciate being told what to do or being mothered or whatever it may be. I'm not sure, but you seem to hear about that quite a bit. Mark: You do and I wonder, yeah, as you were talking there I was thinking, yeah, that is true. You don't hear so many comments made about fathers-in-law. It's funny. I guess, probably, mothers-in-law tend to be more protective, I guess, of their kids and always, theoretically, looking out for their kids maybe more than the father would. I don't know. Jill: Maybe women are just naturally more inclined to be busybodies. I don't know. Mark: To interfere or, yeah.
Jill: But, I mean, that's also a personality thing, too, because my mom's not at all like that and my sister-in-law loves my mom; adores my mom. And Chris's mom, I adore her. I love spending time with her. She can come stay with us for weeks and it doesn't bother me, I mean. They traveled with us last year. So, I think a lot of it is just it's people's personality. Mark: Right.
I mean, I think that's probably true and that the instances where there is a mother-in-law that is causing problems, I guess, we hear about it and the stories get told, I guess, over and over. Like, I know in my case, also, that certainly my mother-in-law is great and, you know, she is around a lot and I have no problems with her, so.
Jill: No.
Mark: But, in this particular case, Natalie, I guess she is, is having some problems with her mother-in-law and, maybe, we'll just play the clip for you right now and then we'll come back and discuss some of the key vocabulary from it. Here it is.
[Dr. Laura: I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Natalie, welcome to the program.
Natalie: Thanks, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: Hi.
Natalie: My question's pretty basic. My mother-in-law and I don't get along all that well, and I've done everything I can think of to try and build a friendship with her, and I've kind of- Dr. Laura: Well, you know what' Friendship is not relevant. Respect for her position is. Friendship isn't. Natalie: Right, but that's-I understand that. I entirely understand that.
Dr. Laura: Because friendship sounds like you're equals, and you're not. Natalie: How do I deal with the fact that she makes me insane?
Dr. Laura: Well, maybe you shouldn't have married her son and brought that into your life. Natalie: Well, I love her son.
Dr. Laura: People don't think about this. "But I loved him. " Natalie: Well, actually, I did. My mom warned me about that. She was like, "You know, when you marry him, you're going to be marrying the family. " Dr. Laura: Right. Wait a minute, calm down, honey.
Natalie: I'm sorry. Dr. Laura: So you knew this, so you knew this.
Natalie: Yes.
Dr. Laura: So you take it in stride.
Natalie: Are there any- Dr. Laura: No, there aren't. Natalie: There's really nothing I can do about it' Just kind of deal with it? Dr. Laura: No, there aren't. Just behave pleasantly, do not have expectations of friendship, that's absurd. It's not funny. Natalie: I'm sorry. Dr. Laura: And treat her with respect, because without her, you wouldn't have your husband. Natalie: Very true.
Dr. Laura: That's it. Natalie: Okay, thank you.
Dr. Laura: Just take it in stride.
Natalie: All righty.
Dr. Laura: That's the best any one of us can do in a difficult situation, is get in stride. Especially when we knew damn well we were volunteering for it. ]
Mark: Well, Jill, Natalie certainly did have an issue with her mother-in-law but, obviously, we are not that concerned with the issues that she had, we're more concerned with the language. Was there anything in particular there that caught your eye in terms of phrasing or vocabulary that either Natalie or Dr. Laura were using?
Jill: Well, I thought that right in the beginning, actually, Natalie says My question's pretty basic. And, I think that's, you know, we say that often. Something's pretty basic, just meaning it's quite simple; it's quite plain; it's quite easy to understand. So, I thought that was maybe sort of important.
Mark: Which is sort of a it's probably not the way a non-native speaker would initially express that idea. It's just maybe a good phrase to store away to give yourself a little more variety when you're talking about? Jill: It's certainly, yeah, it's not something that you're going to encounter all the time. Mark: My question is easy, you know, but sort of a it's not like it's a more difficult or more formal way of saying it, but it's just a different way. My question's pretty basic, yeah. Jill: And, I thought that the phrase I don't get along all that well. My mother and I don't get along all that well. We don't get along. So, basically, if you don't get along with somebody, you fight with them or argue with them or you dislike them. Mark: Right.
Jill: Maybe you don't actually express your dislike, but if you don't get along with somebody, it's. Mark: You have trouble being with them; you have trouble interacting with them; you, you, yeah, you fight.
Jill: They're not your friend. Mark: No, no and I think that's also that's a very good phrase. And, you know, it's one of those phrases where when you go to try and explain what it means, it's hard to explain what it means without using it. Jill: Exactly.
There's not one, you know, synonym that describes what that means. Mark: That's right and I see that you've identified mother-in-law as well, which is also good because, you know, in English it's a mother-in-law. I mean, I don't know in other languages what the term would be for that person. But, it's one of those terms that a lot of people I know have trouble with who haven't grown up with English that mother-in-law refers to the mother of your spouse. Jill: Exactly.
Mark: So, that's a good term and something that people do have to learn. It doesn't come up all the time, so it's good to identify it. Jill: And another one I found was to build a friendship. So, it's just interesting that we use build; build a friendship. Because, usually, when you think of building, you think of constructing something, you know, a building, a bridge or something, you know. You build a house, but we do say building a friendship, as well, which means creating a friendship; starting a friendship.
Mark: Right.
I often wonder, some of these.you know, we say build a friendship; build a friendship. And I often wonder in other languages if the similar structure or similar phrase wouldn't exist there, too, because it's kind of a concept of building a friendship. It may, in fact, translate Jill: in other languages into that. Mark: Yeah.
Jill: And then, I found well, I was really, the word relevant is maybe a word that a lot of people don't know, which means it's not important. Friendship that's not relevant is the friendship is not important. That's not the main concern. Friendship is not the main concern. It's not the most important thing, but respecting her, respecting the fact that she's your husband's mother, that's what's important. Mark: Right.
This is in the sentence Friendship is not relevant. Respect for her position is. And so, what Dr. Laura is saying is it that it really doesn't matter if you become friends with her or not. What matters is that you respect her position, which, I mean Jill: You have to, you know, try to be civilized; try to get along with her as well as you can, but it doesn't mean you have to be best friends and they probably never will be. Mark: Exactly and there's lots of situations like that, for sure, and not just with your mother-in-law, really. There are co-workers or neighbors or anything and Jill: Everybody doesn't like everybody else, you know. People are different, so.
Mark: That's right. I mean, everybody likes us!
Jill: Well, that goes without saying.
Mark: Other people might not be, you know Jill: But, you know, not everybody is as cool as us. Mark: That's right. Jill: So, the next phrase is or word, really, is equals, but it's in the sentence because friendship sounds like you're equals. So, basically, that you are peers; that you're the same; you have the same status; you have the same level. Mark: Same standing.
Jill: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah and, I guess, this is maybe the most common meaning for equals would be, you know, one plus one equals two. And, in this instance, the word is the same; it's spelt the same; you are equals. Obviously, this meaning is significantly different; however, it's the same concept where, you know, your status is equal to my status; we're equals. Jill: And, basically, Dr. Laura is saying you're not. Mark: Right.
Jill: So, I'm assuming she means the mother-in-law has a different status because she's older; she's a mother, whatever. So, she's not on the same level. She's not a peer, Natalie's peer. Mark: Right and, I guess, I mean, back to what Dr. Laura is saying, I guess, I mean, the fact is that if you are in a fight with your mother-in-law or you don't get along, chances are you're never gonna win, you know. Jill: Yeah.
It's a pretty nasty situation, I think. Mark: And, I think, as people get older, too, they become less likely to be reasonable Jill: or to change. Mark: And, so, I think what she's saying there is, yeah, there's no point continuing to fight and trying to win and changing her and that's just not gonna happen. Jill: Just accept her; accept the situation; try to be pleasant and civil.
Mark: Right.
Jill: You don't have to be friends, but Mark: Which, of course, is always easier said than done when you're sitting around the dining room table Jill: and somebody is making comments. Mark: Somebody is making comments and you're hearing about something that is not quite the way it should be. To bite your tongue is a definite skill.
Jill: Right, which is actually a great phrase bite your tongue. It means to not say something when you really, really want to because, you know, it will just cause more problems or it will hurt somebody's feelings or it will make somebody mad if you do express your thoughts so, you bite your tongue; you keep it to yourself. Mark: I'm really good at that. Jill: Yeah, right.
Mark: Yeah, biting your tongue; it's a tough one. Jill: And I like this last part of the sentence that Laura said where she said You're going to be marrying the family. Like, you know, when you marry him, you're going to be marrying the family, which you will hear in English; people say that. You know, you're not just marrying somebody, you're marrying their family, unless they happen to have no family; not have anything to do with their family, which isn't the case with most people. Their family is going to be a part of your life.
Mark: Right and I would think that that like that's not necessarily a phrase that people have to learn. I would imagine that people would have the same concept and say the same things in other languages, too; but, yeah.
Jill: It's good to be aware of it; to know what it means if you ever hear it. Jill: And so, then, Dr. Laura just is telling Natalie to take it in stride. To take it all in stride, we say often. So, just take it as it comes; deal with it.
Mark: Right.
Don't get upset; don't cause a fuss; don't, yeah Jill: Just, basically, just deal with it. Mark: Deal with it.
Jill: Which is, you know, another phrase that she uses; Natalie uses. You know, just deal with it, which means, yeah, just put up with it; just get used to it; just do whatever you have to do to be able to live with it.
Jill: And another word Dr. Laura uses is absurd, which is kind of a difficult word. It's not that high frequency, I don't think, so probably not extremely important to know. But, basically, it means, I think, you know, that's ridiculous. For her to have expectations of friendship is ridiculous. It's not going to happen so, it's absurd. Mark: Yeah, yeah, that's a good word to learn and add to your arsenal. Jill: And, basically, I think that's about it. Mark: Well, at the end there, I guess, Dr. Laura ends by saying That's the best anyone of us can do. And you do hear that construction fairly often; the best you can do; do the best you can; that's the best anyone can do. Jill: It's all you can expect; you can just do your best; you can't do anything more than that, right. Mark: But, just the way those words go together that's the best you can do; that's the best anyone can do. It's just good to get used to that order and construction, yeah. Mark: Well, I think that's a pretty thorough discussion on that item and so, we'll end it there. We hope to see you back on EnglishLingQ soon.
