Dr. Laura: All righty, I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Katherine, welcome to the program.
Katherine: Hi, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: Hi.
Katherine: I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.
Dr. Laura: And how old are you?
Katherine: I'm twenty-one. Dr. Laura: And he is?
Katherine: He's twenty, and about a month into our relationship, he lied to me about something for about a month and confessed to it. I played the victim role and went back into the relationship, thinking I could help him and change him and things like that, and my question is simply- Dr. Laura: Wait, help him and change him from what? Katherine: From the lie that he kept, just help him get through it, basically.
Dr. Laura: Help him get through it? What was it about?
Katherine: He was substance abusing behind my back for a month.
Dr. Laura: For a month?
Katherine: Yeah, he kind of got into it and then stepped out of it.
Dr. Laura: And what was he abusing?
Katherine: Cocaine.
Dr. Laura: And how do you know he's out of it? Katherine: Um, a couple different ways. Just mainly watching his physical activity. I'm around him a lot more than I was before. I just definitely believe that he's out of it. Dr. Laura: Of course you do.
Katherine: That's bad, right? Dr. Laura: All girls do when they're dating some guy. They all believe what he says. I would, if I were you, I'd for a year be demanding spontaneous drug tests on the day of my choice, to be paid for totally by him, and if he wouldn't agree to do that, I'd break off with him. Katherine: Okay.
Dr. Laura: Because you can't trust somebody that uses drugs, and the next thing they do beyond drugs is, as you learned, lie. Katherine: Right.
Dr. Laura: So it's nice that he came to you, but I don't know if he's drug-prone. Katherine: Right.
Dr. Laura: I don't know if that's how he deals with his troubles, or that's what he does for acceptance or whatever he does that he used the drugs for. I mean, here he had started a relationship with a nice girl, you'd think that would make him happy. No, he went to cocaine.
Katherine: Right.
Dr. Laura: So, if I were thinking about marriage and children, I'd be thinking about how stable he really is at his age. Katherine: Right.
Dr. Laura: So I wouldn't say he'd be a candidate for marriage for at least another eight years. Katherine: Right, right. May I also share with you that I have read Ten Stupid Things that Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, and I just began Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships, and of course, in the very first part of this book is "secrets," and that sort of was what triggered me to make this phone call, because I heard you saying your book about being a victim, and how I did the exact same thing that you said. I went in and said, "Oh, I can help you, and I can do all these things for you," and instead I'm finding myself going, "Why exactly am I here?" Because it doesn't seem that- Dr. Laura: He's a boy. Katherine: Right.
I'm fighting that too. [laughter] Dr. Laura: He's a boy. Katherine: Yeah, okay.
Dr. Laura: Yeah.
Katherine: I think you're confirming everything for me, which is really more helpful than anything else, because I don't want to go to, like, my mom and have this discussion or anything. Though I value my opinion, she is my mom, and so I took another route.
Dr. Laura: Yeah, you should take a frying pan to his head.
Katherine: [laughter] I've thought about it. Dr. Laura: "Get out of my daughter's life." Yeah, that's what she'd do. You'll think the same way when you're a mother. You want to protect your daughter from doing something. He's a boy, and he's behaving like a boy. He came to you, that's nice, but that's how he deals with whatever he deals with. To me, it's alarming. Katherine: And to me as well.
Dr. Laura: If I were your age, I'd want somebody who already showed strength, character. Katherine: Right.
I agree.
Dr. Laura: Because the long haul is a haul, and you've got to know you can trust the man next to you to protect you, take care of you, and have that strength. And with all the unisex mentality, it's all pretty stupid. You want a man who's a strong man. Katherine: Right.
Dr. Laura: And somebody who feels the need to turn to drugs is not strong.
Katherine: That's right. Dr. Laura: So it's cute. Go out bowling with him, but I would move on. He's very young. Katherine: Yeah.
Dr. Laura: And you know what, at your age, you just don't have to think of fixer-uppers. Katherine: No, and I don't. I don't. I'm so far from even-I think that's what sort of attracted me to the age, was that there was nothing to be serious about, and it was safe for me to be immature with him if I wanted to, and not thinking about the future if I wanted to, and I grew up a little bit faster than some of the girls my age, and I just liked having the young sense of balance, I guess. In the long run, I'm sort of going, "I don't know if this is [laughter] really what I want." Dr. Laura: No, that was fine when you were twelve, but frankly, it's wonderful being a woman. Katherine: Yeah.
Dr. Laura: There's no lack of fun being a woman. Katherine: That's true. Dr. Laura: There's no lack of fun being a grownup. Katherine: See, and I knew you were going to be right. Well, I'm going to go home and finish reading my book and make some decisions. Dr. Laura: Okay. Thank you, Karen.
Katherine: Thank you.
Dr. Laura: Thank you.
