May Contain Traces of Dodo, Part 33: Another visit to the Head

Mary Dunwich writes: I got called into the Head's office again. It turns out that Minnie had tried to set off some very loud firecrackers at the school's Bonfire Night festivities. Her plot was foiled (much as the original one was) so she then switched the water for the cocoa with the wee collected by the smallest children for use as compost activator. She was spotted by her teacher, Mrs Krumball, and sentenced to two weeks' detention. "But she didn't actually set the fireworks off," I protested, somewhat feebly. "She put them in a compost heap. That's practically recycling." Mrs Lunn, who has had all too much experience in dealing with me, picked up her copy of the School's Health and Safety Policy. "On page 32 it states that explosives are not to be brought onto the school premises for any purpose," she pointed out. "On page 52 it states that urine is to be kept in suitably marked containers and used for educational purposes only. Minnie contravened the Policy when she poured a bucket full into the hot water urn. Incidentally, we will be sending you the bill for having the urn decontaminated." Curses. This woman is too good. "I suppose I have to attend the course on Managing Positive Behaviour again," I said wearily. "I assure you, I already know how to manage positive behaviour. If I ever see my kids behaving positively, I shall deal with it immediately!" Mrs Lunn sighed. "With Minnie's record I would be quite justified in suspending her from school," she said. "I'd rather not do that. Mrs Krumball believes that Minnie is actually quite a gifted child." "Gifted at causing trouble, certainly," I countered. "I've never known a child like her." "Mrs Krumball thinks Minnie is acting up because she is not sufficiently challenged," said Mrs Lunn. "She thinks that she would benefit from extra school activities. Minnie's a very bright girl." Mmmm.....I suppose it runs it the family. My son has managed to alter the fabric of reality to make time-travel a possibility, built the world's first time machine and travelled backwards in time. "I suppose she's James's sister," I answered thoughtfully. "I expect she is pretty bright." Mrs Lunn coughed. "About James," she said. "Miss Bannock asked me to have a word with you. She wanted me to show you some of his recent work." She handed me an essay entitled "Why we should not be prejudiced". I read it. "The cheeky little...!" I exclaimed. "He's calling me a Vital Supremacist!" "Er...quite," said Mrs Lunn. "It seems that he's mixing up fact and fiction again. Mrs Bannock says that in an essay entitled "My Family" he claimed to have a pet dodo. That's all very well for creative writing, but James needs to be made to understand that some pieces of work need to be strictly factual." "Er..yes..." I said, thinking fast. "Creative writing, quite. I think he's using .....erm, satire....to make a point about respecting diversity. And the dodo represents....er....our need to respect the environment or lose important biodiversity. He's quite good at rhetoric, you know." "Does he still have imaginary friends?" asked Mrs Lunn, putting on her "I'm here if you need to talk" look. "Noooo...." I answered. "I believe his friends are all real at the moment." "Miss Bannock heard him talking to himself at break. She couldn't be sure, but she thought it sounded like German." "Practising his lines for a play," I said firmly. "In German. Er." This sounded feeble even to me. Mrs Lunn leaned forward and turned the "concerned and caring" look up a notch. "You look tired, Mrs Dunwich," she said. "Is everything all right at home?" "You wouldn't believe the half of what I have to put up with," I answered with perfect sincerity. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go. I have to talk to a Tibetan about her yak." I made a speedy exit before Mrs Lunn could put me down for the "Meditation: Getting in Touch with the Real You" course as well. What with having to contend with a dodo, TibetanChick, Albert Einstein's ghost and a sock-stealing Embodiment of Evil, I really don't think I have time to talk to the Real Me as well.