How to End a Conversation without being rude

This is The Public Speaker: Quick and Dirty Tips For Improving Your Communication Skills , with your host, Lisa B. Marshall.

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Listener Mr. Ho from London writes,

What should I do to get away from someone if I'm in a hurry or I'm  not enjoying the conversation. I don't want to hurt feelings or be rude. Bring a Conversation to a Polite and Friendly Close

Well, Mr. Ho, you're not alone. I'm frequently asked about how to bring a conversation to a polite and friendly close. Like you, no one wants to be perceived as rude or hurtful.

When we want the conversation to end, we also want the other person to think the conversation was enjoyable. If we're engaged in a conversation and I need the conversation to end, I don't want you to think that you're a bore or that you're an undesirable conversation partner. Some researchers refer to this as conversational “face saving.” And in order to do that effectively we follow specific conversation-ending strategies to smoothly close the conversation.

How Lisa Dissed Stever Robbins (the Get It Done Guy)!

Just the other day I was talking on the phone with Get It Done Guy , Stever Robins I was absorbed in our conversation when I suddenly I realized I was late for my next appointment. I very abruptly said, “Stever, I've got to go.” And he paused for a second, and said, “Yeah, me too.” Then we quickly hung up. Afterward, I felt bad about the abrupt close. I hadn't properly followed conversation ending strategies I think I might have offended him. When people have done the same thing to me, it just didn't feel right. (Stever, if you're listening, I really am sorry. I know I should have been more polite.)

So How Should I Have Handled It?

People who study conversation ending, tell us that proper endings include a few exchanges, not just one quick one, like what happened with Stever. In fact, an exceedingly polite conversation ending can go on for a few minutes and usually includes a few different strategies.

Again, there are several specific rituals involved or politeness approaches that help us to positively end a conversation. In today's episode we'll talk about a three of the most common approaches: the positive comment, the summary/plan, and the excuse. The Positive Comment

The first strategy, the positive comment, is the most frequently used conversation ending strategy. It is exactly what it sounds like, a positive comment and it's almost a direct negation that your conversation partner is boring or annoying. For example, at the end of my conversation with Stever, I could have said, “Hey Stever, I'm glad we talked, you gave me some interesting ideas to think about.” If you're in a networking situation, and you have just met someone for the first time, you could say something like, “Mignon, it was really great to meet you in person.” Notice how in each of these, I included the name of the person. That makes it just a little more personal and helps to signal that the end has come. My favorite all purpose positive comment phrase is, “Hey, Bob, I really enjoyed our conversation.”

Of course, it's important that you are sincere when you communicate your positive comment. We all know instinctively when someone isn't being genuine. You need to say the comment in a way that people will believe you and of course the best way to do that is to find something positive that you can honestly comment on.

The Summary/Plan

The next strategy is the summary or a summary/plan. What's that? The idea is to review the main ideas you just discussed. That way you're indicating the conversation was successful and complete. Sometimes people combine the summary with the plan. It goes something like this…“So thanks for clarifying the terms of the contract.” (That's the summary part.) “I'll review the contract again tonight, and let you know my decision.” (That's the plan). When you move the conversation to summary, or summary and plan, people perceive that to be a signal that the conversation has come to a close.

The Excuse

Some people choose the excuse strategy. (And as a side note, some cultures, rely on excuses more heavily than others. In fact, when I was learning Spanish in Panama, I found it interesting, that an entire chapter of our book was dedicated to excuses and excuse making. But that's a different episode.) The idea behind the excuse approach is, again, to indicate that you need to end the conversation. Not because your conversation partner is boring or annoying, but because other things or people are demanding your attention. For example, you could say, “I need to get back to work; I've got a pressing deadline.” Or “This is my first time here, and I would like to say hello to a few other people.” Notice with each of these examples, you give the excuse and a reason. That's where I went wrong with Stever, I just gave one half of the excuse; I never gave him the reason. It would have been more polite to say,, “Hey Stever, thanks for sharing some great ideas with me. I need to run, because I just noticed I am late for my next appointment.”

So there you have it, Mr. Ho, three effective strategies for bringing a conversation to a polite and friendly close: The positive comment, the summary/plan, and the excuse. If you'd like to learn more strategies and read some research done on conversation closings be sure to click the link in the administrative section. This is Lisa B. Marshall. Passionate about communication, your success is my business.

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Also, I have one quick post script for this episode. My sister, Maria, reads every episode and gives me her feedback before I record. Just after she reviewed this episode we were talking on the phone. At the end of our conversation, she started giggling a little bit and then said in an exaggerated voice, “Well, Lisa, it was great to talk with you. I need to run because I need to get to the supermarket before it closes.” I can always count on her to make me smile! Thanks Sis!

Administrative

If you have a question, leave a voicemail at 206-350-7970. Or send email to publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.com. For information about keynote speeches or workshops visit lisabmarshall.com.